Embrace. Nothing. Stop. (Camp Nanowrimo 2017)

As I read through the critiques on my group from my writing group, I found a comment on the numbing experience of anesthesia and in passing commented on my experience with the feeling. Well, I have never been under anesthesia, however this excerpt:

It passed over her body like a comforting caress to her muddled mind and eased her into numbness.

Embraced.

That’s what it felt like.

Fleeting.

Fading…

Don’t go…

— Transient by Harli V. Park

— comes from a true life experience.

It is a little-known fact about me that this is actually my second life in this body. I have technically (or would that be medically) died once in this life and it is literally my very first negative experience in my life.

The circumstance doesn’t matter. The how and why are trivial at this point.

After all… it was the feeling that stayed.

Welcome to the Cerebral Hedonist’s Nightmare… and here comes a triggering thought…

…on drowning…

Surrounded on all sides. Held tight with limited movement and being invaded against my will no matter how hard I fought and breathed in. Air didn’t exist in this space. It was a luxury I’d so long taken for granted and foolishly thought I would always breath when I fell into this dimension in which the molecules I needed were far too small to sustain me.

Held…

Embraced

Such a strange description, but that is exactly how it felt in those moments when the burning of my chest and sinuses stopped… or would it be that I couldn’t feel it anymore. The emptiness and encompassing darkness that stole my sight even with my eyes open was something that I could never fully describe as I just.. floated.

It wasn’t a sinking. It wasn’t being heavy.

It was just a sort of suspension.

Even at that age, I knew what that suspension was… it was the cessation of everything. Not an end. An end would imply closure. But now, this finality was an abrupt and irreversible stop.

Stop.

No thoughts. No movement. No feelings.

Just “Stop”

Many people describe things such as seeing a white light at the end of the tunnel. Hearing the voices of their loved ones. Seeing their life flash before their eyes.

And here I am at eight years old in a standstill… another dimension where time wasn’t even a concept that could be applied.

“Stop.”

Death… is different for all due to context given by our life experiences and the ideologies of society and culture.

So what does such an abrupt death look like to an eight year old with no context?

Embrace. Nothing. Stop.

Nothing. Stop

Stop.

The vividness of this experience has not changed since the day it happened, I merely have words for it now. You’d be surprised the experience of some writers who offer such vivid, detailed, realistic descriptions of abrupt, traumatic experiences. It can either be a form of catharsis or triggering experience to relive those moments for the sake of writing a scene and dragging the reader down into this experience to leave them just as breathless. No air. Nothing. Stop.

For me it is neither. It is nothing.

Embrace. Nothing. Stop.

Nothing. Stop.

Stop.

-Harli V. Park-

Thank you for reading today’s Camp Nanowrimo blog entry. I hope it wasn’t too problematic and gave you insight about me as an author. If you enjoy my content please: like, follow, and subscribe to all my social media to get updates on my activities!

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